Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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