Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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