I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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