Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
