My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
