Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Randomize
