the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
