she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
You ruined the universe
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
