Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
