my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
