My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
