I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
