I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
