I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Congratulations! We have a period
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
