I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
