last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
