You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
