I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
