I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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