There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Randomize
