Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Randomize
