There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
