You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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