So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
