why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Randomize
