thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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