I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
please come you make the beer taste better
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Randomize
