Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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