you're like a bully in the Christmas story
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
