i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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