mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You're a waste of cheezeits
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
