In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
