everyone is single if you try hard enough
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
