He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
