it wasn't lemon gatorade
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
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