I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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