just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
