i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
