Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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