I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I touched a dick in church today
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
