forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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