There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
