His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
