she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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