YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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