why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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