I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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