Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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