my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
