ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
