did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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