Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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