I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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