I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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