My hand turned me down
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
