Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
