Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize