he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
