I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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