I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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