I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
