when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
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