how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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